Talking about safer sex boundaries birth control STI status desires
Television shows, movies, and advertising talk about sex all the time, but sometimes it’s hard to talk about it in real life. We get it. Most of us didn’t grow up talking about openly about sex with our parents or even our friends, and a lot of us didn’t get sex education. But in any relationship—whether it lasts one night or many years—there are things you need (and want) to talk about.
The good news is that talking about sex is a skill anyone can learn. Whether you’re discussing STI testing, deciding whether to be monogamous, or helping your partner learn how you like to be touched, honest conversations are important. Communication can help you build trust, avoid misunderstandings, and have a better sex life.
Why is it hard to talk about sex?
Talking about sex doesn’t have be hard, but most of us never learned how to do it. A lot of people grow up in families and communities where no one ever discussed sex openly, and too many people don’t get any sex education in schools. We’re left to believe that talking about sex is embarrassing or even shameful.
Plus, sex is a very personal topic. Telling a partner what you want, don’t want, hate, or are a little curious about means opening up in a way that can feel scary. It’s normal to worry about being judged, rejected, or embarrassed.
Like any other communication skill, talking about sex becomes easier the more you practice.
Why is talking about sex important in a relationship?
Talking about sex really is the key to a good sex life. It helps partners set expectations, understand each other’s needs, and set boundaries. Open conversations can also help couples build trust and improve intimacy. This makes it easier to discuss important topics like consent, contraception, and STI testing. It also helps partners get better at making each other feel good and makes it easier to talk about when something doesn’t feel right.
Talking about sex doesn’t have to be one big conversation, it should be an ongoing discussion.
What should sexual partners talk about?
There’s lots to talk about in sexual relationships whether they last a few days or a few decades. The most basic topics include consent, pleasure, and protection.
Before you have sex, it’s important to know what your partner does and doesn’t want to do, to communicate your boundaries, and to get consent. Of course, you or your partner can always change your minds. You can decide you don’t want to do something anymore, or that you want to add something new to your “yes, please” list.
Talking about STI prevention before you have sex is also important. Anyone having any kind of sex can get an STI. Talk to your partner about whether they’ve been tested for STIs and when. Ask them if they’re using PrEP or doxy PEP. And discuss whether you’re going to use condoms. If you’re having penis-in-vagina sex and pregnancy is a possibility, talk about birth control as well.
Talking about prevention will likely lead to broader conversations about your relationship like whether you are allowed to have sex with other people.
You don’t have to cover everything in one conversation. The more comfortable you get with your partner, the easier it will be to talk about whatever comes up next.
When should I talk to my partner about sex?
It depends on what you’re talking about. Topics that require you to use your logical thinking skills—like safer sex decisions—are best done before you’re all hot and bothered. It’s harder to act rationally and stick to those rational decisions if you’re already swept up in the moment.
Other conversations, however, are great fun to have while you are turned on and may even make the sex better. It can be easier to share a sexual fantasy or tell a partner what you want them to do when everyone is all worked up. Telling someone how great it feels when they touch you “right there” or “just like that” is both educational and hot. And gently giving directions (“ooh, yes, just a little lighter”) can be a less awkward way to tell your partner what you want.
How do I talk to my partner about sex?
Every couple is different and every conversation is different. The best advice we can give is to be honest about what you want and open to what your partner is saying. Here are some tips for starting conversations and helping them go smoothly.
- Pick the right time. Some sex conversations are good to have in the moment, and talking during sex can make the experience more fun. Other conversations are probably better had when fully clothed. Sometimes it’s easier to talk when you’re doing something else like taking a walk, driving home, or doing the dishes. Try to pick a time when you’re both relaxed and able to pay attention. (If you start a conversation while your partner is watching their favorite show or answering emails, it may not go as well.)
- Start with something positive. Starting with a complaint or even a request may make your partner feel defensive. Instead, start with something good. If you haven’t had sex yet, you could say something like, “I really like you and I think I’m ready to have sex but there are some things I want to talk about first.” Or if you’re already having sex you could say, “I’m really liking our sex life lately, and I have a couple of ideas of things that I might want to try.”
- Talk about yourself. Saying “I’d like to try…” or “I feel…” is usually better received than “You never…” or “You always…”
- Listen carefully and ask questions. Listening is just as important as talking. It’s easy to fall into a pattern where you’re half listening and half thinking about what you’re going to say next. Try to pay complete attention when your partner is talking. Ask them open-ended questions like “How do you feel about…” or “Is there anything you’ve wanted to try?”
- Don’t worry if it’s a little awkward. As we said, most people aren’t used to talking about sex. It may be a little awkward at first, but it gets easier with practice.
How do I tell my partner that I have an STI?
If this is something that happened in the past and there’s no chance that your current partner has been exposed, you can decide whether to bring it up. If you do, tell them when you were diagnosed, what you were diagnosed with, and the treatment you’ve gotten. (Remember, anyone who has sex can get an STI. They are very common and it’s not something that you have to feel ashamed of or embarrassed. Your partner may have had one in the past as well.)
If you’ve just found out about the STI, the conversation will be different. Your partner will likely be worried about you and about what this means for their own health. Stay calm and try to answer all their questions as best as you can. Stress that you have no way of knowing if they have the STI until they get tested. Offer to help them get tested. If they ask a question that you don’t know the answer to, be honest and offer to look it up together.
If you’ve decided to be monogamous, your partner may want to know if you were having sex with someone else (and you might have the same question for them). Some STIs don’t get diagnosed until years after you’ve gotten them. A diagnosis does not mean anyone “cheated.” That said, it is important for both of you to be honest about whether you have other partners because it can change what prevention methods you want to use.
How do I tell my partner I don’t like something they do in bed?
If we’re to believe movies (or porn), sex is a perfectly choreographed dance that requires no rehearsal and always ends in simultaneous orgasms. That’s not how it works in real life, though.
You can’t expect a partner to know what you like—and don’t like—unless you tell them. People sometimes think that if their partner “gets” them or is “good in bed,” they would do exactly the right things, but they’re not a mind reader. No two people want the same things or want to be touched in the same ways.
You can give cues in the moments like a good moan or some gentle directions (“move your hand up just a tiny bit”). You can also show your partner what you like by touching yourself. Masturbating in front of a partner is sexy and informative! If your partner can watch the way you stroke your penis, rub your clitoris, or use a sex toy, they can touch you in similar ways.
You can also talk about it when you’re not having sex. It’s often better to start with something you do like and then offer a gentle correction: “I love it when you use your fingers, but sometimes it’s too intense when you rub my clitoris with your thumb. Maybe you could just touch it very gently.” Or if there’s an activity that you don’t want to do anymore you could say, “I’m really glad we tried 69, but I’ve decided that I don’t really like it. Can we just go back to regular oral sex next time?”
What if my partner says no?
If your partner says no, the most important thing to do is respect their decision. Consent means that everyone involved freely wants to participate. Let your partner know that it’s okay if they don’t want to have sex right now.
It’s natural to feel disappointed if you were hoping to have sex but try not to take it personally. People say no for many reasons. They may be tired, stressed, distracted, not feeling well, or simply not in the mood. A “no” to sex isn’t necessarily a “no” to the relationship or to you.
You can ask your partner if everything is okay and offer other ways to spend time together like watching a movie, cuddling, or going out for ice cream. Just don’t pressure your partner to change their mind. They have to feel safe saying no this time in order to enthusiastically say yes the next time.
How can I say no to sex?
Whether you’re in a new relationship and haven’t had sex yet or you’ve been with the same partner for years, you always have the right to say no. “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache,” has become a joke, but it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to say. Other possibilities include:
- “I’m not ready.”
- “I’m sorry, I don’t want to do that.”
- “I’m not in the mood tonight.”
- “I’d rather just snuggle.”
- “Can we take a rain check?”
If you’re in a relationship, it can help to reassure your partner that saying no to sex isn’t the same as rejecting them. You might say something like, “We’ve been having some great sex lately, but I’m just not feeling it right now.” A respectful partner will listen to your answer. No one should pressure, guilt, or try to convince you to have sex after you’ve said no. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, and that includes listening when someone says no.
What if my partner wants sex more often than I do?
There isn’t a “normal” amount of sex, and it’s unlikely that two people will always want sex on exactly the same schedule. The first step is to talk about it. Try to understand how each of you feels without assuming one person is “right” or “wrong.” Ask a lot of questions like: “How often would you like to have sex?” “What helps you feel interested in sex?” “What makes you not want to have sex?” “Is it better for you when we have sex in the morning or at night?”
Sex doesn’t have to be long and intense every time, and it doesn’t have to include any kind of penetration. Masturbating together is one way that everyone can feel satisfied. Kissing, cuddling, and massage can also help partners feel close, even when they don’t both want sex. Sometimes a naked snuggle is enough.
There are so many factors that go into sexual desire such as relationship issues, job stress, medication, depression, or physical health issues. If you and your partner are always on different sex schedules or one of you consistently wants more than the other, you might want to talk with a health care provider or a sex therapist.
Remember, you’re in this together. The goal isn’t for one partner to “win” or for the other to give in. It’s to find ways to meet each other’s needs while respecting each other’s limits.
How to tell a partner about an STI
This video from Planned Parenthood offers helpful tips for talking to a sexual partner about an STI diagnosis.