What is sex?
The word sex has more than one meaning. Sometimes we use it to talk about biological traits and differences and whether a person was assigned male or female at birth. (See our page on sex and gender.) But we also use sex to describe sexual behaviors.
The tricky part is that people don’t always agree on which behaviors count as “sex.” A lot of people use “had sex” to mean penis-in-vagina intercourse. But that’s a pretty limited definition. Not every couple has a penis and a vagina, and there are many other things people do together for sexual pleasure.
Common sexual behaviors include oral sex, anal sex, fingering, and mutual masturbation. People may be thinking of one or all of these things when they say, “I had sex last night.”
If we had to define the word sex as a behavior, we would probably say it was sharing your body with someone else for sexual pleasure, but this definition isn’t precise either. For one thing, we like to include masturbation on the list of possible behaviors, and you’re often alone for that. For another, we don’t always know why someone decided to “have sex.”
On this page we explain some of the common sexual behaviors because we think being specific is always better.
What is kissing?
Kissing is often one of the first sexual behaviors that couples engage in. Some do this as a lead up to other things, but for some couples (especially young couples or new couples) this is all they choose to do, at least for a while.
Can I get an STI from kissing?
Yes, but kissing—even deep passionate kissing—is a pretty safe behavior. Kissing can spread herpes which is a virus that causes sores on the mouth, face, vulva, vagina, penis, scrotum, or anus. Herpes is very common.
When herpes sores are on the mouth, people sometimes call them “cold sores.” Oral herpes is only passed when a person has a sore, right before they get a sore, or right after the sore has gone away. If you have a sore, just had one, or think you might be getting one, it’s probably best to skip the smooches for a little while.
The good news is that there is very little risk of getting any other STIs from kissing.
Can I get HIV from kissing?
It’s very unlikely. HIV is present in saliva but in such small amounts that it doesn’t cause transmission. C. Everett Koop, who was the Surgeon General at the very beginning of the HIV/AIDS epidemic, once famously said you’d have to drink a bucket of saliva to have any risk for HIV. (Gross!)
The only time kissing might lead to HIV is if there’s an exchange of blood involved. The CDC says that “Very rarely, transmission has occurred if both partners had sores or bleeding gums.”
What is masturbation?
Masturbation means touching or stimulating your own genitals or other parts of your body for sexual pleasure. People may masturbate with their hands, rub against something, or use a sex toy.
Masturbation feels good and can have some health benefits too. Sexual pleasure and orgasm can reduce stress, improve your mood, and help you relax or fall asleep. Masturbation can also help you learn what feels good. This is important information for the next time you masturbate, and it can make it easier to tell your partner(s) what you like.
Masturbation is often something people do by themselves, but it can also be part of sex with a partner. Masturbating in front of a partner is sometimes called mutual masturbation. This can be sexy and informative! If your partner can watch the way you stroke your penis, rub your clitoris, or use a sex toy, they can touch you in similar ways.
There’s no right way to masturbate, and you get to decide how often you want to do it. Some people masturbate every day, some only do it occasionally, and some never do. All of these are normal.
Can I get an STI or HIV from masturbation?
No. When you masturbate—even if a partner is watching—you are the only one touching your own body. There is no risk that you will give yourself an STI. The only exception to this rule is if you are sharing sex toys with somebody. Make sure to clean the sex toys carefully with soap and water between users.
What are sex toys?
Sex toys are objects or devices that are designed to add pleasure to sex whether you use them alone or with a partner. There are many different types of toys. Common ones include vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, penis rings, and sleeves. Some toys are designed to be used outside the body (like on the clitoris) while others are meant to go inside the vagina or anus.
It’s important to use toys as they’re intended. Anything that gets put inside the anus needs to have a flared base or a string that stays outside the body. Without this, the toy could get pulled up into the rectum, and you might need medical help to get it out.
Can I get an STI from sex toys?
No. Using your hands on someone’s genitals or anus is safe. The skin on your hand is thick and protects you from getting STIs or HIV. It’s probably best not to finger somebody if you have a cut on that finger. But fingering and hand jobs are considered safe. Still, it is a good idea to wash your hands after you’ve touched someone else’s body to prevent the spread of all types of germs.
What is fingering? What is a hand job?
Fingering and hand jobs are both ways of using your hands to give someone sexual pleasure (a.k.a. “hand stuff”). Fingering usually means using your fingers to touch or stimulate someone’s vulva or vagina. It can also refer to using fingers to stimulate the anus. A hand job usually means using your hand to stroke someone’s penis.
Can I get an STI or HIV from fingering or a hand job?
No. Using your hands on someone’s genitals or anus is safe. The skin on your hand is thick and protects you from getting STIs or HIV. It’s probably best not to finger somebody if you have a cut on that finger. But fingering and hand jobs are considered safe. Still, it is a good idea to wash your hands after you’ve touched someone else’s body to prevent the spread of all types of germs.
What is foreplay?
Foreplay is a word people use to describe sexual behaviors that happen before intercourse. It can include kissing, touching, rubbing, cuddling, massage, oral sex, mutual masturbation, or anything else partners do to get sexually excited.
The word can be a little misleading, though, because it makes it sound like these behaviors are all just warm-ups for intercourse. They don’t have to be. For some people, oral sex or mutual masturbation is the main event. For others, kissing and touching may be all they want to do.
There’s no set order that sexual behaviors have to follow and no finish line you have to reach. What matters is that everyone involved wants what’s happening and is enjoying themselves.
What is oral sex?
Oral sex is when you use your mouth or tongue to stimulate your partner’s penis, vulva, or anus. Mouth-to-penis oral sex is sometimes called fellatio and mouth-to-vulva oral sex is called cunnilingus but there are a lot of other terms for these behaviors that may be more common like ‘’blow jobs” “giving head” or “going down.” Mouth-to-anus oral sex is sometimes called rimming.
Can I get HIV from oral sex?
There is little to chance of getting or passing on HIV through oral sex. HIV transmission through oral sex is considered extremely rare. You can make oral sex even safer by using a condom or a dental dam.
What is vaginal sex?
Vaginal sex usually refers to someone putting their penis into someone’s vagina. We sometimes call this penis-in-vagina sex or p-in-v sex for short. Vaginal sex is the only kind of sex that could result in pregnancy.
Can I get an STI or HIV from vaginal sex?
Yes. Some STIs are transmitted through skin-to-skin contact while others, like HIV, are transmitted through bodily fluids including vaginal secretions and semen. Penis-in-vagina sex involves both skin-to-skin contact and the exchange of bodily fluid so it can spread all types of STIs.
Using a condom during vaginal sex can help prevent STIs. Condoms are also good at preventing pregnancy.
What is anal sex?
Anal sex usually refers to one partner putting their penis into another partner’s anus. People can also use their fingers or a sex toy on/in their own or their partner’s anus. Anilingus (often referred to as rimming) is when someone uses their mouth or tongue on their partner’s anus. These behaviors are sometimes called butt play.
Many couples—regardless of sex assigned at birth, gender, or sexual orientation—engage in butt play.
Can I get an STI from anal sex?
Yes. Pretty much any STI that can infect your genitals can also infect your anus. Some of the STIs that are commonly spread through anal sex include chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, HPV, and HIV. The likelihood of getting an STI is higher for the receptive partner (sometimes called the bottom).
Can I get HIV from anal sex?
Yes. Anal sex is a common way that HIV is transmitted. The skin in the rectum is very sensitive, and the anus doesn’t make lubrication like the vagina. The friction of having sex can cause little tears, and these tears can give the virus access to your blood stream. Also, the rectum has a lot of CD4 cells in it. These are the cells from your immune system that HIV attaches to. People who have receptive anal sex (sometimes called “the bottom”) are more likely to get HIV than people who have insertive anal sex (sometimes called “the top”). You can make anal sex safer by using an external or internal condom, PrEP, and A LOT of lube.
What is hooking up?
Hooking up is a term that people use to describe both relationships and sexual behavior. When someone says, “I been hooking up with the cute guy,” they usually mean that they’re having a casual sexual relationship with the cute guy in question. The phrase hooking up is vague though, so we don’t know if that means they’re having penis-in-vagina sex or just kissing. That’s okay, it’s not really any of our business. Of course, we can’t tell you whether you can get STIs from “hooking up” without some more details.
What is sexting?
Sexting means sending sexual messages, photos, or videos to another person by text, messaging apps, or other digital platforms. It can be a way to flirt, share fantasies, or be sexual with someone even when you’re not physically together.
Because there’s no physical contact, sexting can’t cause pregnancy or spread STIs. But it does come with a different kind of risk. Once you send a photo, video, or message, you may not have control over what happens to it. Someone could save it, share it with other people, or post it online. Sending nude or sexually explicit pictures of someone under 18 can be illegal—even if that someone is you.
Before you send something sexual, think about whether you trust the person receiving it and how you would feel if someone else saw it. And never share someone else’s sexual photos or messages without their permission.
What is a threesome? What is group sex?
A threesome is a sexual experience that involves three people. Group sex is a sexual experience that involves more than two people. The people participating can be any combination of sexes, genders, and sexual orientations, and what they choose to do together can vary.
It’s important that everyone involved has agreed about what they are and aren’t willing to do. It can be especially helpful to talk about boundaries, safer sex, and expectations ahead of time when more than two people are involved to make sure that no one feels pressured or ganged up on.
You can be exposed to STIs during group sex just like you would with one partner depending on what behaviors the group chooses to do.