Dildos to the Dump!
In this essay, certified sexuality counselor Evelyn Resh reflects on how our sex lives and perceptions of pleasure change over time.
Your Safer Sex Toolbox
Being alive and engaging in the world around us involves risk, whether we drive a car, eat at a restaurant, or have contact with someone who might have a cold. There is not a way to avoid every risk. Even staying at home and locking our doors is not enough to eliminate all risks, and it’s not very much fun!
Engaging in our environment and building relationships carries so many benefits that most of us are willing to take risks each day but, consciously or unconsciously, we can weigh our risks and benefits to help us determine which risks we are willing to take and which we are not.
Being sexual with someone also carries risks—risk of rejection, of unintended pregnancy, of contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI) or even a simple cold. Being sexual also can provide many physical, emotional and spiritual benefits, including physical fitness, emotional bonding, and a feeling of spiritual connection. Here we will examine some of the things you can do to enjoy the benefits important to you while decreasing your chance of contracting an STI, having an unintended pregnancy, or being coerced into sexual activity.
Decide on Your Boundaries
It’s not possible to make an accurate, generalized statement about the “ideal” number of partners or the “best” choices to make about condoms or other barriers. There may be no “best” way for everyone, but there probably are some choices that will work better for you and your partner(s) than others.
When deciding on their boundaries, people may consider such things as religious beliefs, cultural standards, personal desires and comfort levels, the type of relationship in which one is involved, the level of trust, communication and commitment within a relationship, the physical, emotional, spiritual benefits of sexual choices, the physical, emotional and spiritual risks of particular sexual choices, and the emotional perceptions of actual physical risks.
A Few Questions to Consider
- What are your reasons for choosing to have sex? What are the “benefits” you are hoping to enjoy? (Physical health benefits? Pleasure? Emotional connection? Fun? Spiritual connection?)
- When and how often will you be tested for STIs?
- When and how often do you want your partners to be tested for STIs?
- Which sexual activities are you willing to try? Which are you unwilling to do? Which might you be willing to try in some situations and/or with some partners but not others?
- What barriers do you want to use? Under which circumstances?
- What barriers and other precautions do you want your partner(s) to use when being sexual with others, if you are in a sexually non-monogamous relationship?
- Are you willing to risk a possible pregnancy? If not, what method of birth control will you use?
- Do you have a plan of action that you intend to follow if, in spite of precautions, you are faced with an unintended pregnancy, or an STI?
Once you have decided on your own “safer sex” boundaries, you will need to gather the tools you will need to stick to your decisions. Some of the most common “tools” are included below.
External Condoms
Currently, condoms are the only widely available, proven method for preventing pregnancy as well as HIV and other STIs. Condoms are effective when people use them correctly and consistently. Using a lubricant (see more below) with condoms can make them more enjoyable. Click below to see condom options.
Currently, condoms are the only widely available, proven method for preventing both pregnancy and STIs. Condoms are effective when people use them correctly and consistently—meaning, every time you have sex. Below are some condom options.
Latex Condom
Polyurethane condom
Polyisoprene condom
Lambskin condom
Latex Condom
Advantages
- Inexpensive
- Accessible, the most common type of condom
- Available in a variety of colors, textures, thicknesses, and sizes
- Malleable and stretchy
- Can NOT be used with oils or oil-based lubes
- Will degrade in high heat (wallet, glove compartment)
Polyurethane condom
Advantages
- Good for those with a latex sensitivity/allergy
- Thin, so transmits warmth well
- Safe with oil-based lubes
- Does not conform as tightly to a penis, so it may slip off more easily
- Not as stretchy as latex, so it may break more easily and may fit a limited range of penis sizes
Polyisoprene condom
Advantages
- Good for those with a latex sensitivity
- Malleable and stretchy like latex
- Can NOT be used with oil-based lubes
- Will degrade (break down) in high heat (wallet, glove compartment)
Lambskin condom
Advantages
- Feels “natural”
- Good for those with a latex sensitivity
- DOES NOT PROTECT AGAINST STIs, only pregnancy
- Looser fit than latex
Internal Condoms
An internal condom is a pouch that’s inserted in the vagina or anus before sex to protect against STIs and pregnancy. They can be used by people of all genders who participate in receptive vaginal or anal sex.
Internal Condoms
Internal Condoms
Advantages
- Outer ring covers a larger surface area, protects more of a woman’s mucous membrane
- Good for those with latex sensitivity
- Wearer can be in control
- Can insert up to eight hours before sex
- Some say the outer ring irritates the clitoris and vulva
- Expensive
- Difficult to find
- Slippage is common
- May be uncomfortable for the receiver of anal sex
Lubricants
A good lubricant (lube) is one of the most important tools in your sexual toolkit. Lube reduces friction which can cause tiny tears in the skin, which make it more likely for the person to get an infection if their partner has one. Lube can also make sex feel better, whether having intercourse, masturbating, having oral sex, or using sex toys.
In addition to lube reducing tears in the skin, condoms work better and are less likely to tear when you use lube. Lube can also make oral sex with a barrier more enjoyable for a person with a vagina receiving it.
Vaginas self-lubricate when a person with a vagina is turned on, but many factors may reduce lubrication: alcohol or other drugs (including hormonal birth control, stimulants, antihistamines, antidepressants, chemotherapy), monthly hormonal changes, peri-menopause, menopause, breastfeeding, a history of sexual assault, and other psychological and physical factors. Some people may want extra lubrication on the vulva and clitoris during sex, as lubrication from the vagina often does not reach these external areas.
The anus does not self-lubricate, and you always need to use a lubricant to prevent the very fragile skin of the anus from tearing during anal play or intercourse. Most people like an anal lubricant thicker than those used for vaginal sex.
NOTE: Avoid any lubricant with lidocaine or benzocaine, which dull the body’s natural defense (pain), which lets you know when something is wrong, including tearing of the skin.
Below are types of lubricants you might choose, with advantages and disadvantages of each.
Saliva
Oil/petroleum-based lubricants
Natural/plant-based oils
Water-based lubricants
Silicone lubes
Saliva
Advantages
- Free
- Accessible
- Not as slippery as others
- May spread infection if the saliva of an infected person is used as the lubricant
- Dries up more quickly than others
Oil/petroleum-based lubricants
Includes such lubricants as Vaseline and baby oil.
Advantages- Great for external male masturbation
- Inexpensive and accessible
- NOT for vaginal use
- NOT for use with latex condoms or toys
- Stains fabric
Natural/plant-based oils
Includes coconut, grapeseed, apricot, jojoba, olive oils; Crisco
Advantages- Great for massage
- All-natural
- Safe to eat
- Moisturizing–good for dry skin
- Inexpensive and accessible
- Safe for vaginal and anal use
- Absorbed into the skin
- NOT for use with latex condoms or toys
- Stains fabric
- Can go rancid
Water-based lubricants
Advantages
- Doesn’t stain fabric
- Latex-friendly
- Some come flavored for oral sex
- Safe for vaginal and anal use
- Some ingredients may be irritating for sensitive skin (glycol,parabens, glycerin, flavorings, nonoxodyl-9).
- Dries out quickly (Use saliva or water to reconstitute.)
Silicone lubes
Advantages
- Latex-friendly
- Stays slick in water (i.e. hot tubs)
- Stays slippery longer than others
- Safe for vaginal and anal use
- Expensive
- Stains sheets
- NOT to be used with silicone or cyber skin toys
- Must be washed off with soap and water
- May make surfaces such as floors and showers slippery
Barriers for Oral Sex
Barriers used during oral sex can help prevent transmission of STIs. Options include:
Dental dams (latex)
Plastic wrap
Dental dams (latex)
Advantages
- Thicker than plastic wrap, less likely to tear
- Cannot be used with oil or oil-based lubes
- Latex will degrade in high heat (wallet, glove compartment)
- May be difficult to find
- Limited range of sizes
Plastic wrap
a.k.a. cling wrap, Saran Wrap, etc. Use a non-microwavable type.
Advantages- Easily accessible
- Inexpensive
- Can have exactly the size you want and need
- Good for those with latex sensitivity or allergy
- Thinner than dental dams so may tear more easily
Sex Toys
The safest bet is not to share sex toys. If you do decide to share, make sure to follow some simple steps to share safely.
Sharing sex toys (like vibrators, for example) can be risky if they have vaginal fluids, blood, or feces on them. Sharing sex toys without cleaning them or using a condom can potentially expose a person to STIs.
The safest practice is not to share sex toys. If sex toys are shared, a condom should be used. With toys that can be inserted into the vagina or anus, a person may put a condom onto the toy. For shared toys in which the penis is inserted, a condom may be worn. It is important to change the condom before another person uses the toy so that any body fluids or infectious organisms on the sex toy are not passed on to the partner. It is also important to change the condom when moving from the anus to the vagina to prevent possible infection.
When cleaning sex toys, look to see what the manufacturer’s instructions recommend. Some may be best cleaned with soap and water, while certain types of may be made from materials, such as silicone, that are dishwasher safe.
STI Prevention
Condoms are a great way to prevent STIs and HIV, but there are other tools in the toolbox that can do the job. These include PrEP, doxy PEP, and vaccines.
PrEP
Doxy PEP
Vaccines
PrEP
PrEP stands for pre-exposure prophylaxis. The word prophylaxis means to prevent or control the spread of an infection or disease. PrEP involves taking medication to prevent HIV infection—either via a pill or a shot.
PrEP is for people without HIV who may be exposed to HIV through sex or injection drug use.
Doxy PEP
Doxy PEP stands for doxycycline post-exposure prophylaxis. It is a prevention strategy that involves taking the antibiotic doxycycline after condomless oral or anal sex to prevent chlamydia, gonorrhea, or syphilis.
Doxy PEP is intended for adult men who have sex with men and transgender women who have sex with men, especially those who have had an STI in the last year. Health care providers may also suggest it to people in this community who have more than one partner.
Vaccines
One important prevention tool against sexually transmitted infections is vaccination. Currently, vaccines are available to protect against infection with HPV, hepatitis A and hepatitis B, and mpox.
Learn More About STIs
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