Sex and Relationships

There are a lot of ways to define a sexual relationship. You can define it by whether you’re romantically and emotionally involved or just having sex. (Either one of those is fine, by the way). You can define it by whether you’re only going to have sex with each other or are allowed to sleep with other people. Or you could define it by how involved you are in each other’s life—are you casually dating, living together, or married? Is this your “in case of emergency person” or someone you go out with every other Tuesday?

Relationships can take many forms and can shift overtime. What starts as a friendship could become a sexual relationship that lasts few months or a few years or a lifetime. The guy you thought was just a one-night stand might become your best friend (with or without benefits), and a relationship that you thought would last forever might end sooner than expected.

There are no rules except the ones you make up. What’s most important for a healthy relationship is that everyone understands and agrees on those unique rules. That’s why communication is key.

What are some types of relationships?

People use a lot of labels to describe their relationships, but those labels may mean different things to different couples. Some common labels include hooking up, friends with benefits, dating, monogamy, consensual non-monogamy, serial monogamy, and polyamory.

These relationship types are not limited by sex or gender—anyone regardless of their sex, gender, or sexual orientation—can choose any of these labels as long as you and your partner(s) are on the same page. Of course, you can also choose not to label your relationship at all.

We define some of these terms to the best of our ability below, but we know that the language people—especially young people—use to describe relationships varies a lot based on your age and where you live. Plus, these terms change frequently. You probably define things differently than your parents, and your cousins in Kansas may have grown up with a whole different lingo. You don’t have to have use the same language as everyone else as long as both you and your partner are clear on what you mean.

What is hooking up?

“Hooking up” usually means having some kind of sexual contact with someone you’re not in a committed relationship with. You might hook up with someone once, or you might be hooking up with the same person on a regular basis.

The phrase is vague about what actually happens when you’re together. (Sre you having penis-in-vagina sex or just kissing a lot?) And the relationship is vague too. Two people who are hooking up may be dating, they may be friends, or they may just be making booty calls.

What are friends with benefits?

“Friends with benefits” is a term that people sometimes use to describe a person they are having sex with but not in a relationship with. It’s often meant to be funny, and we like that it normalizes being friends with your sexual partners even if you’re not in a relationship.

What is dating?

The meaning of dating has changed a lot over time and people use it differently. Some people think of dating as asking someone to do something specific at a specific time, “Do you want to go to the movies with me on Friday night? I could pick you up at 7?” Others use it to indicate the early phases of a relationship when you’re deciding to whether or not to become an official couple.

Some people use the term “dating exclusively” during this stage of a relationship to indicate that they are only dating each other.

What is monogamy?

Monogamy (or being monogamous) means having one sexual/romantic partner at a time. Monogamous does not mean the same thing as long-term. Couples may have been together for years or weeks; what makes them monogamous is the agreement not to have sex with anyone else.

What is serial monogamy?

A monogamous relationship means that you only have one partner at a time, but those relationships can be lifelong or only last a few months. Going from one monogamous relationship to another is sometimes called serial monogamy.

What is consensual non-monogamy?

Consensual non-monogamy is a term for any relationship in which partners agree that they can have sex with other people (as well as each other, of course). This is different from infidelity or cheating because the partners have agreed that sex outside the relationship is allowed.

When partners who are married or in a long-term relationship agree to be non-monogamous, they may call it an open relationship or an open marriage.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory means having a romantic/sexual relationship with more than one person at a time. It is a type of consensual non-monogamy, but many people see it as being different than an open relationship. People in an open relationship have one romantic partner but are allowed to have sex with other people. Polyamorous people are in relationships with more than one person at a time.

Polyamorous relationships take many forms. You could have multiple relationships of equal status, a primary partner and one or more secondary partners, or be part of a throuple (three people in a relationship together).

Are monogamous relationships safer than non-monogamous relationships?

Not necessarily. A lot of people think of a monogamous relationship as a way to practice safer sex. It can be, but there are some things to think about.

Has everyone tested negative for sexually transmitted infections (STIs)? Monogamy can only protect people if it’s clear that neither partner already had an STI. The only way to know this for sure is to get tested for multiple STIs including chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, trich, and HIV.

To make sure everyone is protected, it is important to get tested before you decide to stop using other prevention methods like condoms or PrEP. It’s also important to remember that some STIs—like HIV—won’t show up in tests right away. If either of you have had another partner recently, you might want to keep using condoms or PrEP for a few months before getting tested again.
Is everyone committed to having no other partners? Monogamy only works as a prevention method if everyone is keeping their promise of having no other partners. If anyone “cheats,” they are potentially exposing themselves and their partner to STIs.

The truth is that couples who are practicing consensual non-monogamy and always using condoms or other prevention methods like PrEP or doxy PEP may be less likely to get an STI than a couple in which one partner is lying about being monogamous. A serial monogamist who jumps quickly from one monogamous relationship to another may also be putting their partner at risk.

This why honest communication is so important, no matter what type of relationship you choose.

How do I decide what kind of relationship I want?

Your relationship is uniquely yours. You and your partner should talk about what you want out of this relationship and make some decisions, but you don’t have to pick a label.

Sex is one of the important topics that you will want to discuss. You’ll have to decide if you’re going to have sex with each other and what you will and won’t do. You’ll want to talk about what methods you’ll use for preventing STIs and pregnancy. And you get to decide whether you are going to have other partners or only have sex with each other.

Be specific when you have these conversations. Sex can mean a lot of different things, which means monogamy can have different meanings. Think about behaviors like flirting or sexting; are these allowed?

There are a lot of other issues that go into deciding what kind of relationship you want as well. How much time are you going to spend together? Are you going to live together? Are you going to share money? Do you want to get married? Can you imagine doing those things in the future?

You don’t have to ask or answer all of these questions right away. (Talking about a joint bank accounts on a first date is likely to scare off anyone.) But understanding the boundaries of a relationship and being on the same page as your partner can prevent misunderstandings, guilt, and jealousy.

The boundaries you set will likely change over the course of your relationship. Talking about them openly from the beginning builds a good foundation.

How do I know if my relationship is healthy?

Good relationships are fun and make you feel good about yourself. In a healthy relationship, both partners:

Are treated with kindness and respect
Are honest with each other
Like to spend time together
Take an interest in things that are important to each other
Respect one another’s emotional, physical, and sexual limits
Can speak honestly about their feelings

It sounds cliché, but communication is the key to any healthy relationship. Being about to talk about what is going right and what is going wrong is a sign that the relationship is built on a solid foundation.

What is a sexually healthy relationship?

A sexually healthy relationship is a consensual partnership in which each person feels emotionally and physically satisfied. People in sexually healthy relationships care about their own pleasure and their partner’s pleasure.

People in sexually healthy relationships feel comfortable sharing what they like/want and don’t like/want, and feel free to change their minds. No one is ever coerced into a doing something they do not want to do or made to feel ashamed of what they do want. Sexually healthy relationships are built on respect for each other.

People in sexually healthy relationships communicate openly about safer sex and work together to prevent STIs and pregnancy.

You don’t have to be in a long-term monogamous relationship to be sexually healthy. Any time of relationship—from friends with benefits to throuples—can have (or lack) these important qualities.

How do I know if my relationship is unhealthy?

Just like good relationships make you feel good about yourself, bad relationships make you feel bad about yourself. There are many different ways that a relationship can be unhealthy. Your partner could be controlling, manipulative, or jealous. They could be nasty or dishonest. They could be physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive.

These behaviors look different in different relationships, and patterns can be difficult to notice especially early on. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Does your partner talk to you in a way that is nice or that puts you down?
Do they always have to have their own way?
Do you feel like you can talk to them about something that is bothering you?
Do they demand to know where you are going or who you are seeing?
Are they jealous when you spend time with other people?
Have they tried to stop you from talking to or seeing your friends or family?
Have they ever hacked into your social media, checked your browser history, or looked at your text messages?
Do they threaten to break up with you whenever you get into a fight?
Have they ever threatened violence or made you feel afraid?
Have they ever hit or slapped you?
Have they ever grabbed or threatened you, or made you feel afraid?
Do they ever try to pressure you into a sexual activity that you’ve said no to?
Do they ever try to pressure you into using alcohol or drugs?

These are all red flags of unhealthy relationships, and some of them are signs of abusive relationships. If you answered yes to these questions, your relationship is not healthy.

Abuse doesn’t always mean that someone hits or hurts your body. Emotional abuse is anything that harms your self-esteem or causes shame. This includes saying things that are meant to hurt your feelings, making you feel that you aren’t worthwhile, or trying to control who you see or where you go.

Anyone can be abused regardless of age, gender, or sexual orientation. Try to remember that abuse doesn’t happen because you did something wrong or weren’t smart enough or strong enough or worthwhile enough. Abuse is always the fault of the abuser.

Just like anyone can be abused, however, anyone can become an abuser. Go back through the questions and ask yourself if your partner would say yes to any of them.

If you think you’re in an abusive relationship, it can help to talk to someone whether that’s a parent, a friend, or a counselor/therapist.
There are many organizations that help people in abusive relationships, and people who have been sexually abused or assaulted. The organizations listed below.

RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673). Also includes online chat and messaging through text, WhatsApp, and Signal
loveisrespect.org
24/7 help via phone, text and online chat
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233). Also offers chat and text support.
Esperanza United
MaleSurvivor

If you ever feel like you are in immediate danger from your partner, call 911.